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I Miss My Boyfriend When He Was Fat: Understanding the Complexities of Idealization and Change
We often idealize the past, and when it comes to relationships, this can be especially true. When we remember our loved ones, we tend to focus on the good times and the qualities that we loved about them. This can lead us to miss the person they were, even if we know that they have changed for the better.
This is what I experienced when my boyfriend lost a significant amount of weight. I was initially overjoyed for him, as he had always struggled with his weight and I knew how much happier he was now that he was healthier and more confident. However, as time went on, I found myself missing the man he had been before. I missed his big, warm smile, his infectious laugh, and the way he would always make me feel safe and protected.
The Psychology of Idealization
Idealization is a psychological process in which we attribute positive qualities to someone or something, often to an unrealistic degree. This can be a way of coping with the stress and uncertainty of life, as it allows us to focus on the good and ignore the bad. In relationships, idealization can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment when the person we are idealizing does not live up to our expectations.
The Impact of Change
When someone we love changes, it can be difficult to adjust. We may miss the person they were before, even if we know that the change is for the better. This is because change can be unsettling and unpredictable, and it can make us feel like we are losing a part of ourselves.
In my case, I missed the physical presence of my boyfriend when he was fat. I missed the way he would wrap his arms around me and the way he would always be there for me, no matter what. I also missed the sense of security that I felt when I was with him.
Tips for Coping with Change
If you are struggling to cope with a change in your relationship, there are a few things you can do to help yourself:
- Allow yourself to grieve. It is important to acknowledge the loss of the person you loved, even if you know that the change is for the better. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, or confusion that you are experiencing.
- Focus on the positive. Try to focus on the positive aspects of the change, such as the improved health and confidence of your loved one.
- Communicate with your loved one. Talk to your loved one about how you are feeling. Let them know that you miss the person they were before, but that you are also happy for them and their progress.
- Seek support. If you are struggling to cope with the change, seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
FAQ
- Is it normal to miss someone when they change for the better?
Yes, it is normal to miss someone when they change for the better. This is because change can be unsettling and unpredictable, and it can make us feel like we are losing a part of ourselves.
- How can I cope with the loss of someone I love?
Allow yourself to grieve, focus on the positive, communicate with your loved one, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
- How can I prevent idealization from ruining my relationships?
Be aware of the signs of idealization and try to focus on the realistic qualities of your loved ones. Remember that everyone has flaws, and that no one is perfect.
Conclusion
Missing someone when they change for the better is a complex and often difficult experience. However, it is important to remember that change is a part of life and that it can ultimately be for the best. If you are struggling to cope with the change, allow yourself to grieve, focus on the positive, communicate with your loved one, and seek support.
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